Have you ever had a really shit week? I had one last week. I thought every day it would get better, but I just faced different crap on different days.

It’s always a hard week the week after your return from a holiday. Kyle was on nights, and I was left to deal with both kids and the dog on my own. I put Charlie to bed at 7pm only for him to shout me for two hours and not go to sleep until gone 9pm every night. Wonderful. The reasons for this got more creative as the week went on.  “I’m scared of the sharp shadows, I’m scared a shark might get me, I need another bath, I need to sing you a special song.” It was when he said “Can I come in your tent? I’m a bit scared and I need you Mummy” that I realised this was actually a camping scene from Peppa Pig that we had watched earlier that day. That pig has a lot to answer for, and if anyone can explain to me what ‘sharp shadows’ are, I would be very grateful.

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Meanwhile, Jorgie screamed like a wailing banshee from 6pm to 8pm every evening because she was tired and randomly decided that she was going to need a bottle at 11pm every night, something she hasn’t done since she was a few weeks old.  I was like a walking zombie by the time Kyle came off the night shifts on Thursday.

I was relieved to have Kyle at home on Thursday night, but I questioned this after tea when all 4 of them wanted me at once. Jorgie was screaming for a bottle but wouldn’t let Kyle give it to her under any circumstances, it had to be me. Kyle therefore took the opportunity to complete a Volkswagen car claim form, only there was no point in him completing it as he spent the entire time asking me questions about what he should put and asking me to read through it all for him. At the same time Charlie was repeatedly begging me to play ‘hook a fish’ and crying when I said he would have to wait for 5 minutes and Tia solidly cried for an hour straight for her tea until I fed her dog food. I despair.

On Friday morning, Kyle took Charlie to playgroup, so I decided to take the dog for a walk with Jorgie. I got the pram out of the car only for the wheel to fall off and after 15 minutes of trying to screw it back in and numerous swear words I grabbed the baby carrier instead. Trying to strap it on to me and then get Jorgie in it with no help, is like trying to complete a challenge for the cube. I was sweating and red faced when I eventually got through the door and then Tia was just like a tearaway dog the whole walk. When I got back I realised that I had put Tia’s raincoat on when I went out, but it wasn’t on now. During her little runaway adventures, she had clearly managed to lose her coat somewhere, so if anyone finds a three peaks coat you are welcome. Please keep it. Never have dogs and babies. It is hard hard work.

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On Saturday I took Charlie to the park and he kept asking me if “I had ordered America” as he wanted to go back. I think what he meant is had I booked it again. No Charlie. I’m still recovering from the last trip. He wanted to push me on the swing which I told him was a bad idea, but he persisted. This resulted in me nearly knocking him into space with my fat arse which he took great delight in telling people “mummy just knocked me over and then she did it again” and my niece told me “I’m not pushing you, your far too heavy”. Thanks kids. You sure know how to bring on that feel good factor of a weekend.

I spent Sunday morning trying to get Glastonbury tickets with two laptops and a phone whilst enduring the kids constantly needing me every 3 seconds and the dog humping my leg. I didn’t get any tickets. Surprise surprise. I ended the week with a trip to Heaton Park. It was a crisp, sunny, autumn day and it was disastrous. Charlie needed a wee and couldn’t make it to the toilet so he wee’d against a wall when Tia decided to run underneath him so he wee’d all over her head. Her floppy ears were soaking wet.  Then Charlie and my niece wanted to walk along the edge of a wall, so my mum went with them. Tia was barking to get off the lead, so my dad let her go. Even though she is blind she is usually very good at finding her way around. Not this time. She shot off and we all gasped as she ran straight over the wall. Luckily her stupid head popped up over it a few seconds later and she was fine.

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I got back to the car with the kids and the dog when Charlie informed me he had poo’ed. I was nowhere near a toilet or bin, so I stripped him down and used half a pack of baby wipes trying to wipe his bum. I had to put the loose baby wipes and his pooey pants in the car, so my car smelled of poo all the way home. Far stronger than the two air fresheners I had hanging in the car.

The kids had fallen asleep when I got home so I transferred them from the car to the house, brought the dog and all the bags in and left the pooey pants in the hall to deal with later. Half an hour later I went into the hall to deal with them, to find the poo had miraculously disappeared leaving just a brown stain. As the dog scuttled past me I realised with horror what had happened. The dog had eaten his poo. I have no words.

So that was my really shit week involving lots of literal poo and other crap. Hopefully next week will be better but never a dull moment!

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